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Subscribe to this list via RSS Blog posts tagged in humour
27
Aug

The Secret Diary of a Wiltshire new Potato... good girls use protection.

Posted by on in News

Well I was just about to start the blog in an entirely different fashion when I received an unexpected knock on my door. Flowers! For me?! Apparently, yes, they are for me *Smile*  Ohh-err indeed and they really are rather lovely. Well what a wonderful surprise for a little potato like me... who are they from you may ask?... you may ask, but should I tell?... (Maybe later.. I do like to keep you all in suspenders from time to time)

...

So I’ve had a week of hot potato fun involving *leather, lubricant, and racy behaviour*... oh and a man in uniform (sort of). Sound interesting?...Yes it was thank you ;-)... and no, I haven’t been taking hints from ‘that book’ (chuckles).

My lovely new racing carrot (the motorbike) has proved to be an endless source of fun and entertainment.... I must make a general observational comment at this point; I do find it rather amusing how a lady in leather appears to ‘stir the sauce’ for some members of the human race... but that’s another story, so back to my week...

The main event involved a lovely ride (now don’t even get me started on that pun or I’ll have to start x rating my blogs!) on one of the rather surprisingly sunny evenings we have had. ... surprising as the weather does appear to be rather confused at the moment; tropical fruit one minute and autumnal apples the next (well... I had to get the fruit/veg ref in here somewhere).

So to the ride - a hot potato and some CHiPs set out to ride off into the sunset in search of sustenance    ... a nice veggie dish is what I had in mind but I suspect I would have ended up with meat and two veg (as I said earlier don’t get me started on the puns!) as we were heading to some good old fashioned pub grub...     joyous, wind in the hair riding, unhindered by the traffic, a little *racy* at times (chuckles), when oh no, one of the bikes broke down (a red hot Ducati chilli pepper, in case you are interested in the detail)! Darn those dills and bugger those bananas (general swearing and absolutely no puns intended)!

Being a prepared and ‘protected’ rider (the only one in the group with Radishes And Carrots membership) it was up to me to save the day.

So we spent the next three hours in a lay-by... ... ...

....

Can you tell it was a long wait?... ... ... ...

Eventually the cavalry arrived wearing a rather fetching orange *uniform (well I did tempt you by saying there was a uniform involved ;-). The cavalry ruled out a *lubricant issue (see I don’t make it up ;-) but alas the ailing machine had to be towed home. ...  for all of those that are now worried for the health of the chilli pepper, you’ll be pleased to hear that it wasn’t a major breakdown and parts are on order.

So, not quite the food feast I had in mind, and boy was I as hungry as a haricot by the time I got home, but still, the chilli pepper and CHiPs appear to have been thankful for the use of my 'protection'... hence the lovely flowers. *Smile*

Whilst talking about protection, and I do feel I haven’t mentioned the leather enough, I am overjoyed to have finally found a pair of biking trousers that fit – as after all, a good girl must use protection (chuckles).

I’ve spend endless hours trying on leather biking trousers these past few weeks with little success; it seems that the makers of girly biker gear don’t expect us to have a bum or waist! Grrr! But sing the sweet potatoes praises! I’ve finally found some... I’m much relived to be finally properly protected when engaging in my racy past time... ;-)

So on that note I’m off to stick my head out of the window in the hope of a break in the cloudy skies ready for my next racy adventure...

Have a great week folks and just remember -

“Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly”     ... or at least make sure your angel carries the right kind of (breakdown) protection LOL – I’ve never been called an angle before *Smile*

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19
Aug

Oh Oh a carrot seven

Posted by on in News

I cannot believe how my oh so little carrot has grown since popping its head out. I guess once it was out in daylight its courage swelled and the sun did its work. I do not think anything  is now going to stop our 007 carrot reaching its full size.  It may seem strange but I now have developed a bond with our 007 carrot I guess M is the word....  Looking at its shape it could have a license to thrill though we will have to wait for its training.  You don't get anywhere without good training, mentoring........

Not sure how you train a carrot but I am sure there is a manual and if you google you are sure to find something. I did google and found the Great Carrot Train Robbery.. link at bottom of this page  *smile*

A lot of things rhyme with seven but at the moment no time to right about Devon but I bet many of you have been there?

 The first command to teach to a carrot is stay I have tried this on a carrot recently. I placed my carrot on a table and its not moved for a week!! It has withered a bit but I can understand that as I am sure many of us have been there... Hopefully my carrot will of course reach this standard.

Other news this week is I have opened the secret banana's & carrots facebook group up and extended to other vegetable, fruit and flowers its so exciting to see the group grow.. fruit salad, stew and bouquets are all in order. So please join us > http://www.facebook.com/groups/ghomats/ together we will make a good crop which I think is a separate blog entry....

Going back to google I  typed in by accident ' secret diary wiltshire' and wow was impressed with what I found I never know this was going on in Wiltshire and it seems that the life of a certain potato is not only below ground its seems a lot is going on top ... I think I may convert this to an e-book.. I am sure a movie is on its way... talking of things on its way Wisit Whodunits will be going strong and by September wil life for all to see. It will be fun and you can of course can  play detective...  all we need is a secret agent... hmm...  I know 00 Carrot *smile*

Check out Wisit Whodunits here > http://www.facebook.com/wisitwhodunits

Have a great week and I hope others will see their life through vegetables, fruits and flowers....  how clever Mr C loads more key words google will love this *smile*

.... better go tend to my carrot as its needs some watering.. maybe time for a sweet pea *smile*

 
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Tagged in: carrots humour
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19
Aug

The Secret Diary of a Wiltshire New Potato... the roast carrot and an indecent proposal week(s)

Posted by on in News

Gosh haven’t I been remiss at writing my blog recently; you’ll be thinking that I have gone to seed.... but I have an honest excuse; I’ve been away on a course in London!

So to my last couple of weeks, and yes they have been smashingly busy again.... I’ve been internet shopping and I am due to pick up the fruits of my e-browsing tomorrow – Ooo how exciting (for me at least). I’m going to be the proud owner of a motorbike (my first bike in a few years). Now I can play CHiPs and ride like a hot potato at my leisure.  But enough about my lovely, wonderful, lovely, shiny, did I say lovely (?), new toy. It’s the colour of roasted carrots by the way... well a lovely metallic burnt orange actually, so a very stylish carrot in truth :-D and it’s lovely... oops sorry I am going on too much about my lovely new toy?! I’m sure I am...

...and back to my past few weeks....

I’ve been in... well near... the big smoke. They were cramming my vegetable brain with facts and figures, information and knowledge; so much so that I now feel like a pickled cabbage!

One of the best bits about my week away, other than the plane spotting opportunities... every 30 seconds... was the food! Oh my, what a choice, I’ve come back looking like an overstuffed jacket potato!  So I have a stuffed brain and a stuffed belly - all I need now is to sprinkle myself with a little seasoning and I’d be truly ready to be cooked (well I do like a little spice from time to time you know).

A lovely cooked breakfast every morning... with hash browns of course... followed by an assortment of fruit. The most amazing lunch time choice, stuffed aubergines, vegetable moussaka, ratatouille... there’s a theme here just in case you haven’t noticed... but I did also indulge in a lovely roast dinner as one cannot live on potatoes and veg alone you know! (Well apparently you can but this potato prefers a variety).

The food highlight involved a 20 mile trek across central London to a little cafe restaurant that serves South Indian food... which is all vegetation by the way. A taste sensation indeed! Spicy but not too hot, tasty and not at all bland, in fact it was soo good I would be surprised if anyone, who hadn’t been pre warned, would realise that it was totally vegetarian!  South Indian food is totally different to your normal UK Indian fare and there is not a single vindaloo in sight!

So where does the indecent proposal enter into my week you may ask??? Well!... South Indian food customs included eating with your fingers  - when in East Ham as the saying goes... so I indulged in some rather messy finger work. All’s well and good... until.... dramatic bollywood moment... my dining companion very calmly asked if he could help me clean my hands... by... wait for it... licking my fingers for me!!!!!

Well ruddy rhubarb, I very nearly choked on my carrot Dosai and spat out my Poha Vegetable Upma!!!

As I naively... and a little worriedly... scanned the room to check if this really was a genuine and customary practice I couldn’t help but notice the smirk on my dining companions face!... ... ... Hitting your escort around the head with a limp Dosa (type of pancake) isn’t customary but it sure did wipe the smirk of their face. So with the gentle tittering of the other surrounding diners suddenly resonating around the room the realisation dawns that this was an ‘in joke’ and a ‘customary’ wind up for those new to this dining culture. Ooooh those cunning Cumins! (Chuckles) and a good laugh was had by all.

And on that note I’m feeling rather peckish so I will wish you all a lovely week

...and just remember “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them”  ...well, unless they are armed with pancakes ;-) *Smile*

...but on second thought as “Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them” perhaps I should just say yes to the next offer of a finger licking *Wicked Smile*

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07
Aug

The Secret Diary of a Wiltshire New Potato... the warm, wet, & saucy edition.

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... and I have to report I really have been, warm, wet, dishing up sauce, and in pain this week – hmmm it’s already starting to sound like a chapter from that book!

OK, so with that in mind let’s just get the book review over and done with – I’m nearly half way through and I still can’t seem to get past the mills & spoon ‘feel’ of it; the tension, the expectation that emotions might be mashed, is it right, is it wrong... mills & spoon with a dash of Worcester sauce if you ask me! Take out the adult language and replace it with a dollop of good old fashioned ketchup and we are back to it being a plain ‘samey’ romance story. I have to ask where is the intrigue, character building, and plot twists, which makes a great novel. Perhaps this style of writing is just not my cup of tea, although there are a few hobnobs... (Refer to blog ‘X&Y edition’ if you want to understand that reference).

Still, half a book to go, so we shall see...

This darn book is the current , and only (it seems at times), chit chat subject at my workplace, but, if what you are actually after is a sizzling hot potato style story, then I’m reliably informed that the Black Lace series are the books to read (well....according to my work sauces ;-).

So to the warm and wet part of my week –

....

I am of course referring to our grand British summer!

I was helping out at a charity fund raiser this past weekend. When we arrived it was glorious sunshine *Smile*; when the family fun day officially opened.... torrential rain! Boy, soggy potatoes indeed! It was fun though and we did manage to cook up a storm with our BBQ hotdog and burger stand.... with a selection of sauces available of course.  Hopefully a few pennies were raised with the very brave souls that came to see what was happening on the day.  The clown and punch & Judy show continued despite the lightning, the band played on... well until the *bouncy castle started floating down the field (*some artist licence has been used here).

An early finish and a very interesting drive home – I learnt the new skill of fording when driving on the main roads out of Chippenham! Always look on the bright side – my instinct to slip the clutch and rev like I’d swallowed a shot of Tabasco sauce faired me well... better than some poor souls at least. Oh and let’s not forget the steamy bit (to complete the warm and wet subject)... blowers at full blast as I dripped and steamed nicely under the warmth of my car heater.

Ah and let’s not forget the pain! There are professional sadists out there for those that want to try out some of the suggestions from the ‘book’!... Not really, but with a crick in my neck I dutifully made appointments with a local chiropractor.... Ooooo, Ouch, and Crunch! Crumbling potato wedges, is my neck supposed to turn that way? :-o With a recommendation to use frozen peas to ease my discomfort (“not carrots?”... I did ask) I can now turn my neck again. Thankfully the Chiro did have a sense of humour when I asked about his 50 shades dungeon services.

So with my bag of peas at the ready I’ll wish you all a lovely week

...and try to remember when reading a book review “What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen”  or a potato.

...now where can I get the Black Lace series? ;-) *Smile*

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08
Jul

The Secret Diary of a Wiltshire New Potato... 50 shades of potato... and a carrot.

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...and so to the rest of my Smashingly busy week ...

A trip to Well’s farmers market... now there was a fine selection of home grown potatoes indeed! I must say though, the carrots were a little on the small side... perhaps Chris can give some tips on how to develop a good sized carrot... then again, it would probably end up as another X and Y edition! Oooh Err misses.... I look forward to Chris writing that one (chuckles).

Next was a visit to my sister who is quite a radical radish. We spent half an hour talking to her car... no we haven’t lost the plot (the ‘pot plot’ was the blog edition from a few weeks ago... hmm then again, talking to a car, you may be forgiven for thinking that there was Pot involved - which there wasn’t!) We were trying to engage with the new voice recognition technology in her car but fear it is a step too far for old pureed vegetables like us. (..and I work in IT,  shame on me!).

Then!... Gosh... shock... a book review from my Sweet Pea (aka the niece)... Noooo! Who let her near the ‘all spice’ that is called 50 Shades of Grey! ... Actually I have never read it and hear it’s a very good read... but still, when the Sweet Pea asks “what is BDSM” what do you say?! :-o   I tried telling her it was “Broccoli Drives Some Mad”, but alas she’s not that gullible...

The extracts that I did read... curly fries and blushing beetroot is all I can say!!! (sniggering).

Despite my insistence at removing the book for further inspection the radical radish household insisted on keeping the spicy offerings for their own consumption. ... Damn I’ll have to buy my own copy now... 

I was going to tell you all about my encounter with a Bok Choy and the grand building of the sandcastle... I just know you are all on tender hooks to hear all about the sandcastle! Alas, the radical radish household has left me in need of a quiet lie down to recover my starch after all that excitement.

On that note, have a lovely day folks and just remember –

“What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art” So don’t dismiss the 50 fruits from your salad; they may just be the complimentary ingredient that you need. *Smile*

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05
Jul
Posted by on in News

Phew, it’s been a frenzied but fun week so far...

The white horse illumination procession was just wonderful with hundreds if not a thousand (that’s that gratuitous cake reference just in case you were wondering... if you missed it, the cake reference that is,  don’t worry I’m sure there will be more ;-)... a thousand of fellow ‘light bites’ winding their way up Roundway hill. Hmm, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone had thought to bung a few potatoes in the bottom of the very stylish braziers.... yum, now wouldn’t that have been lovely!

The horse looked amazing lit by the lanterns and the simple but effective fireworks made the hillside glow like... like the candles on a 100 year celebration cake (whoops I’m still thinking of baked sweet food... gosh haven’t I just got a one track mind!).

I also had great fun at the Veterans Day celebrations; there were some wonderful demonstrations and re-enactments. I have to confess to a sneaky peak and girlish snigger at the ‘potato wedges’ produced when a couple of the Red Devil parachutists landed on their bottoms due to the very high winds and fast approach/landing. My inappropriate perving aside, I must say that they kept a very *tight formation despite the bad weather conditions (*still sniggering as I now have the words tight and ‘buns’ stuck in my mind... oh well, it is cake week so I’m sure you will forgive me!)

So after an action packed weekend of horses and devils it was off to the sea side for me!

The coast proved to be wet and windy... (hmmm and darn it, that’s somewhat ruined my lovely tight buns imagery! Wet and windy buns doesn’t quite have the same appeal)... but it was great to see the true British spirit shining through; there were lots of little sprouts and mini cup cakes enjoying the beach, despite the weather, building sand castles, riding the donkeys - A jolly good, if a little damp, time being had by all.

I must confess the trip to the seaside was more about catching up with family and friends than a true holiday, but I do intend to build a sandcastle before I leave! It just wouldn’t be right or proper to be spitting distance from the beach and not partake in the age old tradition (that’s the tradition of sand castle building not spitting). Now all I need is a new bucket and spade. Choices, choices, choices, a varied and wide selection are available indeed – there’s even some in the shape of.... wait for it.... just  a little longer... have you guessed yet... yup you guessed it... in the shape of Cake!

I’m starting to salivate now...

... and on that note this blog is really making me rather hungry so I must be off to fulfil my sweet desires.

Have a jolly good day folks

...and some words of wisdom for the day –

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.....

So far today, I have finished two Belgium buns and a chocolate cake. I feel better already! *Smile*

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28
Jun
Posted by on in News

An early edition of the diary this week as I have a smashingly busy week ahead of me...

In my quest for finding interesting new potatoes I came across a Spud yoU might Like. A cheeky little paparazzi potato who has been dicing and slicing (I would describe it as hobnobbing but that was last week’s blog ;-) with the elite of the potato world. He was there at the big jubilee events in London and recounts his experiences with a ‘potato eye’ witness report just for us:

“We had a great celebration weekend with all the jubilee events. In potato world the guest of honour was a *British Queens; as they rolled down the aisle to the throne, the Maris Piper played a Lament, even the Duke of York was there to pay his respects.
It was a real who’s who from the top list of the Potato Society (yes we really exist and even have our own website http://www.lovepotatoes.co.uk/) The Bella Fontenay looked gorgeous in her gown, the Rooster looked grand in his Jacket, and the Dauphinoise just looked absolutely Smashing with her cream of the crock fashion.... There were even a few foreign French Fries who came along to celebrate.

*it may not be listed on ‘love potatoes’ but is a true British variety

The weekend was diverse with sport events (the most athletic took part in the Pentland Javelin or the Sack race), music from Maris Bard, parades and fetes, colourful parties and processions; one of the evenings ended with a great fireworks and potato display from the Rocket himself. The weather was fine enough, nobody Boiled or Fried, and the crowds were Bubbling and Squeaking with excitement all weekend long. A Smashing, Mashing, royal Roast indeed.”

So from us blog readers, a big thanks to Stewed Potato for sharing his impressions of the jubilee weekend, and we look forward to his future event reviews...  and of course any hot potato gossip.

For me - after a few months hard grafting my mind is a vegetable and all mushy peas, so I’m taking a quick break from the ratatouille race... Holiday plans have been formed and just the fine grated details are left to be worked out. It will be a busy week off indeed starting with the barbequing of a white horse, a spot of ooohing and arhhing at the red arrows (or could I perhaps call them the Blazer Russet’s) at the Veterans day celebrations... then I’m off to find some sea salt and undoubtedly will end up fighting off seagulls who want to steal my chips.    ... and then....   well if I tell you too much I’d have nothing to write about next week!

On that note I will sign off as I do need to search for my bucket and spade.

Have fun folks.... and you must be asking yourself after reading this blog - why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?.....

Because he desperately wanted a scoop! *Smile*

Tagged in: humour
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